How to Relate Without Making It About You
There’s a moment in conversation that many thoughtful women quietly worry about. Someone shares something vulnerable—maybe they are overwhelmed, grieving, or struggling at work—and you feel the urge to say, “That happened to me too.” You don’t want to dismiss them. You don’t want to seem self-centered. You just want to connect. For many women, especially those who are neurodivergent or think out loud, sharing a related story is a natural way to show empathy. It is relational. It signals, “I understand.”
Sometimes, though, the energy in the conversation shifts. The other person goes quiet, starts comforting you, or the focus moves from their experience to yours. Afterward, you might replay it in your head wondering if you accidentally made it about you. This is where the difference between relating and redirecting matters. Relating says, “You are not alone.” Redirecting says, “Now this is about me.” The line is subtle, but timing, length, and whether you circle back make all the difference.
When someone is vulnerable, their nervous system is often activated. They may feel anxious, sad, or raw. In that moment, they usually need co-regulation—someone to stay with their story, reflect it back, validate it, and help their body settle. A long or emotionally intense story from you, even if relevant, can unintentionally shift the focus. That shift often feels like being “talked over” or unseen. Not because you did something wrong, but because the support they were seeking quietly got interrupted.
Many high-achieving and neurodivergent women have been told they talk too much, overshare, or make things about themselves. That carries shame. The goal is not to silence yourself. The goal is intentional connection. Sharing a related experience can be validating when done thoughtfully. It communicates, “I have been in the dark too.” It builds intimacy and helps people feel understood rather than studied.
The difference often comes down to length, timing, and circling back. A brief example that supports their point feels different than a detailed retelling of your entire experience. Sharing before fully reflecting and validating what they said can feel like you skipped over their emotional moment. Validation first, relating second. After sharing, explicitly return to them. You might say, “That was my experience, but tell me more about what this is like for you,” or “Does that feel similar to what you are going through?” That signals that their story remains the priority.
There is also a difference between healthy vulnerability and trauma dumping. Trauma dumping is not simply sharing something heavy. It is sharing intense, unresolved material without context, consent, or relational safety. It floods the space and leaves the other person holding something they did not agree to carry. Asking for consent in small ways—“Can I share something similar that happened to me?”—gives the other person a choice. If they are overwhelmed, they may not have the capacity to hold your story. That does not mean you are too much. It means timing matters.
Communication patterns like this show up often in therapy for women navigating ADHD, burnout, and high-pressure roles. Many deeply value connection and do not want to dominate conversations. At the same time, they think out loud. Their brains move quickly, and stories connect the dots. Without tools, this can create confusion. A partner might feel unheard. A friend might feel interrupted. The neurodivergent woman may overcorrect and become hyper-vigilant, barely sharing at all. That creates distance in the opposite direction.
Healthy relating is reciprocal. You are allowed to share and be known. The key is pacing and awareness. Look for cues. Did the other person go quiet? Did they start reassuring you instead of staying with their own feelings? Did the emotional energy shift? Those signals are information, not evidence that you failed. You can always repair: “I realize I may have jumped into my story. I want to come back to what you were saying.” Repair builds trust more than perfection ever will.
People have different conversational needs. Some feel most validated when you reflect their exact words. Others feel most connected when you share something similar. In romantic relationships especially, it helps to talk explicitly about this: “When you are upset, does it help more if I just listen, or if I share something I have experienced too?” These conversations reduce mind reading and resentment and build skill.
Relating without taking over is not about shrinking yourself. It is about attunement. It is about reading the emotional temperature of the room and responding intentionally. Validation is often the first step in supportive communication. When someone feels truly heard, they soften. When they soften, connection deepens. When connection deepens, there is space for both stories to exist. You do not have to choose between being expressive and being supportive. You can be both. It takes awareness, pacing, and the willingness to circle back. It is not about being perfect. It is about being present.
Written by Brittanie, Therapist and Advocate for Women’s Well-Being
Brittanie Zwart is a licensed therapist who supports over-functioning, high-achieving women in Missouri and Illinois (including the St. Louis area) who feel overwhelmed, burned out, or stuck. She specializes in working with women navigating ADHD, boundaries, self-esteem, parenting, grief, and complex relationships. Through a trauma-informed and neurodiversity-affirming approach, she helps women stop overthinking and start living in alignment with their values — with compassion, clarity, and a little humor along the way.
If you’re finding it difficult to incorporate these strategies into your life or need more personalized support, please feel free to reach out.
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