Taking My Business Elsewhere: Feeling Seen and Attuned in Relationships
There’s a quiet moment that happens in relationships that often goes unnoticed at first. You share something vulnerable. Not dramatic or explosive, just honest. Maybe you admit you’re overwhelmed. Maybe you name self-doubt you’ve been carrying. Maybe you finally say out loud that you’re resentful or tired. And the response lands flat.
They offer a solution when you weren’t asking for one. They minimize what you’re feeling. They get visibly uncomfortable. They change the subject or tell you you’re overthinking. None of it is cruel. But none of it feels connecting either.
You feel the shift in your body before you fully register it mentally. There’s a tightening in your chest or a subtle urge to pull back. And over time, you stop bringing that part of yourself to them. You start taking your business elsewhere.
Not in a dramatic, betrayal-filled way. Often in very ordinary ways. You call a friend instead. You vent to a coworker. You save it for therapy. You journal rather than speak. Your needs do not disappear. They simply get redirected toward spaces where you feel more seen.
For many high-functioning women I work with in therapy in Missouri and Illinois, especially those with ADHD or who identify as external processors, this dynamic is deeply painful. These are women who are exceptional at holding space for others. They are often the friend, partner, or daughter everyone calls when things fall apart. They can track emotions, validate feelings, and regulate a tense room. But when they are the vulnerable one, something shifts. The attunement they so naturally offer is not always returned.
Attunement is not the same as listening. Attunement is emotional presence. It means staying regulated while someone shares something tender. It means reflecting back what you hear instead of rushing to fix it. It means resisting the urge to compare it to your own experience or immediately offer advice. At its core, attunement communicates, “Your internal world matters to me.”
On a nervous system level, attunement feels like relief. Your body softens. You breathe more deeply. You feel less alone in what you are carrying. When attunement is missing, the opposite tends to happen. You may brace yourself. You might shut down or over-explain in an attempt to be understood. Or you might quietly decide that this person is not where your softer parts are safe.
This becomes especially complicated when one person is a verbal processor and the other is not. Some people genuinely think by speaking. They do not know what they feel until they hear themselves say it out loud. The act of talking is the organizing process. They are not asking for advice. They are trying to sequence their thoughts and emotions in real time. For many women with ADHD, this kind of external processing is regulating. It slows a racing brain and brings clarity.
Other people process internally. They need time and quiet to sort through their thoughts. Long emotional conversations can feel overwhelming. Repetition can feel like rumination rather than progress. From their perspective, offering a quick solution may feel helpful and efficient. Neither style is wrong. But without awareness, the mismatch can quietly erode connection.
The verbal processor may start to feel like they are too much or overly emotional. The internal processor may feel drained or confused about why nothing they say seems to help. Over time, the verbal processor often stops trying. They find other outlets that feel easier and more responsive. Meanwhile, the internal processor may sense distance but not understand how it formed.
In romantic relationships, this pattern can slowly chip away at intimacy. Emotional closeness depends on feeling seen and understood. When vulnerability is repeatedly met with discomfort or dismissal, protection takes over. That protection might look like emotional withdrawal. It might look like investing more deeply in friendships. It might even look like fantasizing about what it would feel like to be fully met in conversation.
In family relationships, especially with parents or siblings, this can show up as selective sharing. You keep things surface-level because going deeper tends to lead to criticism, advice, or comparison. The relationship continues, but the depth narrows.
In friendships, the imbalance can go either direction. Some women find themselves constantly holding space for everyone else while rarely being asked how they are doing. Others worry that they are the friend who processes too much and start shrinking themselves to avoid feeling burdensome. Both dynamics create subtle resentment over time.
There is a particular kind of burnout that comes from being the designated emotional container. You remember everyone’s stressors. You follow up. You validate. You soothe. But when you begin to share and the energy shifts, you notice. You might tell yourself it is not a big deal. You might rationalize that they are just tired. But the imbalance lingers.
If you recognize yourself here, the next step is not immediately abandoning the relationship. It is getting clear about what you need and practicing naming it. Advocating for attunement can feel vulnerable, especially if you are used to being the strong one. It might sound like, “I don’t need advice right now. I just need you to listen.” Or, “When you jump to solutions, I actually feel alone. Can you reflect back what you’re hearing?” Or even, “Talking this through out loud helps me process. It might sound repetitive, but it helps my brain.”
These conversations are best had outside of conflict. Attunement is a relational skill that can be learned. Many people were never modeled it. Inviting someone into that skill is different from accusing them of failing.
At the same time, if you are the one constantly holding space, you are allowed to set limits. Emotional labor has a cost. High-achieving, over-functioning women often carry more than their share already in parenting, partnership, and professional roles. It is healthy to say, “I care about you and I’m at capacity tonight.” Or, “I want to support you, and I also need space for my own processing.” Sustainable relationships require reciprocity.
Sometimes, even with advocacy, patterns do not shift. That is important information. Chronic lack of attunement can create loneliness inside otherwise stable relationships. Seeking therapy for women in St. Louis or surrounding areas often becomes a place where clients finally experience consistent emotional presence. Not because therapy replaces partnership or friendship, but because it models what mutual attunement feels like.
Taking your business elsewhere is rarely about drama. It is about safety. It tells you where your nervous system relaxes and where it braces. The goal is not perfection or endless emotional analysis. It is mutual presence. It is knowing that when you risk vulnerability, someone can stay with you there.
For women who are used to having it all together, wanting that kind of connection can feel almost indulgent. It is not. It is foundational.
Written by Brittanie, Therapist and Advocate for Women’s Well-Being
Brittanie Zwart is a licensed therapist who supports over-functioning, high-achieving women in Missouri and Illinois (including the St. Louis area) who feel overwhelmed, burned out, or stuck. She specializes in working with women navigating ADHD, boundaries, self-esteem, parenting, grief, and complex relationships. Through a trauma-informed and neurodiversity-affirming approach, she helps women stop overthinking and start living in alignment with their values — with compassion, clarity, and a little humor along the way.
If you’re finding it difficult to incorporate these strategies into your life or need more personalized support, please feel free to reach out.
Share your thoughts in the comments, or get in touch with me directly. We can work together to create a practical, easy-to-use toolkit of coping skills tailored just for you.