Caregiving vs. Caretaking: Why You’re So Tired, and How to Shift Out of Burnout
Lately, a lot of women I work with are feeling it.
Bone-deep tired. Overloaded. A little resentful.
(Okay, sometimes a lot resentful.)
And they’re starting to notice that they’re stuck in a loop. They are pouring out emotional labor and time and energy into relationships, kids, jobs, aging parents, even group texts, and not getting nearly enough in return. They’re doing it out of habit, out of survival mode, out of being “the reliable one,” “the strong one,” “the one who gets it done.” But something’s cracking.
They don’t want to keep doing it this way anymore.
Let’s talk about the difference between caregiving and caretaking and why that distinction matters more than you might think.
What Is Caretaking (and Why It Feels So Draining)
Caretaking is what happens when you feel like someone is always taking your time, your presence, your attention, your problem-solving energy — and it’s not because you’re offering it joyfully. It’s because you feel like you have to.
There’s often guilt, obligation, or fear wrapped up in caretaking:
- “They’ll fall apart if I don’t step in.”
- “If I don’t do it, who will?”
- “I don’t want to be selfish.”
- “This is just what I do. It’s who I am.”
And my personal relatable favorite, “The fall out of not doing it is worse than suffering through it right now.”
Caretaking is a role. One you didn’t exactly choose instead it kind of just landed on your shoulders. (Oldest daughter syndrome, anyone?) You keep showing up for other people, even when your tank is on E, even when your own needs are collecting dust in the corner.
It’s not that you don’t care. You care so much. That’s the problem really. There’s no off switch, no boundary, no pause button.
What Is Caregiving (and How It’s Different)
Caregiving, on the other hand, is rooted in choice and capacity. It still means offering care, but from a place of groundedness, clarity, and connection. It’s when you say “yes” to someone else’s needs because you want to, not because you’re afraid not to, or can do it without betraying yourself.
Caregiving happens when:
- You’ve tended to your own needs first
- You’ve checked in with your energy and intentions
- You’re not over-functioning or doing emotional gymnastics to “fix” or “carry” someone else
It still requires effort. But it doesn’t leave you depleted and bitter afterward. Caregiving is sustainable. Caretaking? Not so much.
The Invisible Labor No One Talks About
Women in care roles, especially moms, partners, adult daughters, and helping professionals, are often carrying massive loads of invisible labor:
- Managing emotions (yours and everyone else’s)
- Anticipating needs
- Monitoring moods, logistics, tone shifts
- Remembering appointments, refilling meds, following up
- Being the emotional safe space and the calendar manager
This work doesn’t always get seen. But it gets felt when you do it and when you don’t do it. And it adds up.
When you’re caretaking from this place every day, you’re not just tired , you’re drained, possibly even dissociating or snapping without realizing why. You might find yourself crying in the car or zoning out during conversations or quietly wondering, “Where’s the village? Why am I always the one holding it all together?” Or another personal favorite “No one else seems to be struggling like me.” - Uh uh we all see to be.
“Where’s the Village?” — And Why It’s Not You
You’re not broken. You’re not failing. You’re not too sensitive or asking for too much.
You’re just doing what an entire community should be doing and doing it all by yourself.
We weren’t meant to raise kids, run households, care for elders, manage work stress, maintain friendships, and support partners with no net under us.
The truth? Many women are living like emergency responders, without backup.
And for some, even when help is available, it’s transactional. You might have to pay for the help (therapy, childcare, a massage, house cleaner, drive-thru) while you’re offering your own care freely and constantly. It creates an imbalance. Even resentment.
Making the Shift: From Caretaking to Caregiving
So what does it look like to shift from burnt-out caretaker to intentional caregiver?
Here’s what helps:
Check your own battery first.
Before you show up for someone else, pause and ask: Do I have the capacity for this right now? You’re allowed to say no, not yet, or not today. You matter too. And so often we say yes almost reflexively, people pleasers know what I’m talking about, this is your growth zone!
Set boundaries that center your well-being.
Boundaries are not about punishing or pushing people away — they’re about sustainability. You don’t owe everyone unlimited access to your time, your brain, or your emotional labor. Nor do you need to inform everyone of your boundaries or get their permission to have them. A boundary can help and protect you, people often benefit from you NOT having boundaries.
Ask for more from the people in your life.
If there is someone who could give more, even a little, ask for it. It’s okay to say, “I need help,” “I’m not okay,” or “Can you take the lead on this?” Delegate to people more often.
Notice the difference between willing and resentful.
Next time you agree to help, pause. Ask: Am I giving with love? Or am I already mad about this? You deserve to feel good about the care you give. Resentment can come in when you realize if you set a boundary with someone will there be a bigger mess and you don’t have the capacity for the bigger mess. But, what if we need that to happen first to be able to get to the other side of balance.
Build community, even slowly.
Start small. Find people who get it. Online or in person, look for mutual aid groups, mom circles, support networks, spiritual spaces, places where care is exchanged, not extracted.
From Burnout to Balance
This is not just about being tired, it’s about being used up.
You weren’t meant to live in a constant state of caretaking. You were meant to feel cared for, too.
So if you’re noticing the difference between caregiving and caretaking…
If you’re starting to feel like you want something more balanced, more sustainable, more connected to your real self…
Therapy can help.
You don’t have to keep holding it all by yourself.
Ready to Begin?
If you're ready to explore what it means to set better boundaries, reconnect with your energy, and give from a place of fullness instead of exhaustion — therapy can help you get there. I work with women who have spent their whole lives showing up for others and are finally ready to show up for themselves.
Let’s talk about how you can start feeling more grounded, connected, and supported — whether you’re navigating parenting, partnership, elder care, or just trying to feel less like you’re running on fumes. Reach out HERE to learn more.
Written by Brittanie, Therapist and Advocate for Women’s Well-Being
Brittanie Zwart is a licensed therapist who supports over-functioning, high-achieving women in Missouri and Illinois (including the St. Louis area) who feel overwhelmed, burned out, or stuck. She specializes in working with women navigating ADHD, boundaries, self-esteem, parenting, grief, and complex relationships. Through a trauma-informed and neurodiversity-affirming approach, she helps women stop overthinking and start living in alignment with their values — with compassion, clarity, and a little humor along the way.
If you’re finding it difficult to incorporate these strategies into your life or need more personalized support, please feel free to reach out.
Share your thoughts in the comments, or get in touch with me directly. We can work together to create a practical, easy-to-use toolkit of coping skills tailored just for you.